Wretched Wretail Wrealities

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2010-04-12T23:02:00.001-07:00

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Slow Burn

2005-04-23T00:45:00.000-07:00

I had fun using this on the old job site today:

2005-04-12T23:07:00.000-07:00

BuhBye

Woopsie

2005-04-10T13:18:00.000-07:00

So in my last half-hour scurry to get out of the door with all of my stuff intact (including pride) and with all my secrets with me (this blog) I made a woopsie-doo!

It was my #1 prioriy to clear the history in my internet browsers and I forgot to do it in the rush!!!!

I remembered to transfer off all of my files and delete all of my e-mails in my work email (nothing secret there reaaally). I remember to empty the recycle bin! I remembered my snacks, my desk toys, my tupperware, my fridge food and my coffee mug. I made a last minute purchase while I still had discount.... (nothing for me though... which sucks). BUT I forgot that key thing!

HOPEFULLY no one will type in an "h" address in the address bar and have hellagoodloot show up. (I used to clean the history after every post but I got lazy.)

BUT in an attempt to hide the thing I changed the blog address to wretchedwretail.blogspot.com. But I don't think that deleted hellagoodloot.blogspot.com ... or if it will .... it hasn't yet. Hopefully it will disappear.

BUT if you are there at my old job and you've discovered this rant page -remember two things 1) Senses of humor RULE!; 2) Forgiveness is AWESOME!!

Last Post?

2005-04-08T15:36:00.000-07:00

So this may be the last post of Wretched Wretail Wrealities!

I've just been informed by Brad that the company is in dire trouble and the two newest employees - being me and Thomas (we both started a week apart from each other in August) are being laid off.

I got a "Feel free to hate me!" and a "If business picks up we'll call you back!"

Right.

Arm Gestures

2005-04-08T14:22:00.000-07:00

In the times when Mario pisses me off... I fondly remember the day that Danny told Mario how to say "Thank you" in sign language... and then she said "Fuck you" to Rollo and they laughed ... and laughed ... and laughed at her. Then Joe came in and she told him what mean thing Danny had just done to her and Joe said, "It is you who are stupid. That is a universal way of saying Fuck You."

Ahhh... still makes me smile.

A-music-ing

2005-04-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

Ya wanna know what I play at work when its my turn to play the online radio?

Erin's Launch Station

Too much to tell!

2005-04-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

Also a held back Friday post:
------------------------------------

Ms. Mario has finally decided to go back to school and graduate. One of the things she'll be doing while at school is taking a swim class in the morning before work. Apparently she'll be changing her hours to start at 8am instead of 7:30. While I'm whole-heartedly behind her going back to school... I'm just concerned as to why Brad has never brought this time change up with me. Does he even know about it?? Or has Mario just asserted that this is how things will be?

She asserted that she would be taking a two week vacation in June and then later admitted that Brad didn't want her to do that.

I said, "Oh. Because I was thinking of asking Brad if he'd get a temp for the time you're gone. Two weeks of doing your job and mine is a bit too much for me to handle on my own."

Mario said, "Well I won't be gone for two weeks... just several couples of days all in a row."

Holdin' it in!

2005-04-04T13:51:00.000-07:00

This happened Friday but I didn't want to post then and ruin the whole (incredibly successful!!) April Fool's joke so I've been holdin' it in!

---------------------------------------

ROFL!!!! (Almost.. really... I really had to hold in my audible laughter on this one! Luckily Mario and I were back to back when she said this in reference to what she would like to yell at an actress that mumbles.)

Mario: "LEARN TO PRONOUNCIATE!!"

Posts in their Proper Places

2005-04-04T13:41:00.000-07:00

Yeah I think none of you read my blog on Friday anyway but ... if you did... APRIL FOOL'S!!

My guest-host-poster was Taysha from "Tea & Toast" - you can read more about her loves and likes (and bars and boozin') here: Tea & Toast

My Friday post was directed to Fred's blog at "Sugar 101" where you can normally read more about her adventures in the sweet trade (as she learns bakin' and candy makin'). Sugar 101 is located here: Sugar 101

But now I shall re-post my ACTUAL post here:

So the new music scenario in the "Customer Service" office is that when I go to lunch Mario starts blasting the Spanish online radio...

I shall enact:

(Time Card Punch)

o/~ QUE LASTIMAAAAA! QUE LASTIMAAAAAA!!!! Mi amor, yo soy idioto!!! o/~

HOWEVER, this does not work in reverse - when I clock back in the Spanish music stays on!!!

At first it was for just a few minutes before she switched back to the more mutually acceptable "R&B/Pop" mix but it lingered longer and longer until it reached its current state. Now it plays until she takes her lunch so there is a good 40 minutes of Spanish hits that play over and over again while I'm there. AND they are in that annoying format too - so they're stuck in my head and I have no idea what I'm singing!!

So I decided I'd get her back by playing the music of my people in the afternoons after her lunch ends.

2 hours of Enya baby!!

strut YOUR fucking stuff!

2005-04-01T01:09:00.000-08:00

I think I am capable of shaking my groove thing with the best of them but wouldn't you know I was quickly tested when some hip-hop instructor says, "5, 6, 7, 8..." Bumbling idiot doesn't even come close to what one feels like when put up against folks who come to class every other day. Candy Shop by 50 Cent was the song of the day and for the most part I got the moves but alas my lack of rythmic dance skills made me look like a FOOL! Oh well, so distraught with my performance I didn't even opt for an additional workout and headed home. Of course waiting at home was a yum salmon salad and macaroni salad, the salad was good but I easily could've skipped the macaroni BUT damn need for food after the gym. See if I had a boyfriend I could come home have sex and go to bed but since that isn't the case I opt to eat, which hinders the "getting a boyfriend" part. Damn irony...

My late work days are soon coming to an end so maybe I'll push it hardcore tomorrow or Sunday... ok not maybe, I will push it hardcore!

CQsoftheD

2005-03-31T13:03:00.000-08:00

Customer 1:

Succumbing to the Man!

After searching for "mens necklaces" the lady customer found something a little more up her gentleman's alley - Poker cards in a Beer Can.

Customer 2:

Search Term: "bad breath cures"
Purchased Item: Martini glass patch

Pattern of the day:

Brad walked into our office and said, "Anyone know a good plumber? My hot water heater at home has just blown and I need one now!"

At that same moment a customer was placing an order online after searching for "on-demand hot water heaters." (She bought a talking keychain.)

Advise Needed

2005-03-30T14:29:00.000-08:00

Larry was on vacation for a few days so I decided to catch up with her and write ALL the descriptions for ALL the new stuff so that when she came back it would be all ready for her to update on the site.

She came back yesterday afternoon, I told her the stuff was ready and so she started putting the items up on the site.

This morning I expected nothing but upon seeing an e-mail from her I thought it might be a THANKS FOR ALL THAT WORK!! or something of that nature (since we only communicate via e-mail). Instead she sent me a document with the proper formatting of links???? I thought - what the hell - did I link something wrong???

Instead I think it was an invitation to her psyche!

The links in the doc had nothing to do with the descriptions I'd written so there weren't any "corrections" in there but at the base of the doc was the following quote (or personal thought or ... whatever):

I don't have to think this way anymore. It's not anyone else's fault that I am the way I am. I choose what I think, feel, and do, and that's a tremendous power. I have the power to choose who I am going to be and how I am going to live my life.

(Then there was also a link to: http://www.subservientchicken.com/ and another typed
note which read: queso fresco .)

I'm wondering how I should respond to her note with the Links.doc....

At last!

2005-03-29T14:49:00.000-08:00

Larry has passed my lesbian test and inadvertently outed herself as a big ol' lesbo!! And how did this come to pass, you ask?

Well, yesterday Mario told me that Larry had, at some point in the past, pointed out the bumper sticker on my car to her. Mario, being a heterosexual married woman, did not understand the sticker's reference and Larry had explained it to her as being from a movie. Mario had promptly forgotten about it but recalled it yesterday because she'd just seen the movie.

Now there's only two groups of people that the sticker really means anything to and who might point it out: A) Menopausal women and B) lesbians

Since Larry is only 30 - she falls into group B!

NOW some of you readers might now be thinking that if you continue to read this blog you might eventually fall upon some hot lesbian romance story but NO! No no no no no! Larry is far too "butch" for my tastes! (Yet not quite butch enough to make her lesbianism a 100% positive!!!)

CQsoftheD

2005-03-28T13:24:00.000-08:00

There was nothing... a dryness of customer humor and then today I found some things funny. It could be that I've been so wrapped up in my detestation of Mario that customer funnies couldn't break through my exterior haze of hatred... or they were just taking a break.

So without further ado:

Gift Message:

I don't understand this?? gift message?

Gift Message:

html> br> /html>

Gift Message:

Lots of love your own munster.

(????? LOTS of "love your own munster". LOTS OF LOVE your own munster. LOTS OF LOVE YOUR OWN munster. ??????)

Customer Search term: "shift knob pistol"

Customer Search term: "pocket bird carrier"

Pocket bird carrier????? Is this a carrier for Pocket Birds.... or a carrier that fits in your pocket for birds? This sounds unusually cruel unless you have an airy pocket and a sedated hummingbird. I just had to search for this on my own... and I found one... and this DOES NOT fit in a pocket!!!!:

http://www.naturechest.com/petpobica.html

Mario-isms

2005-03-25T10:01:00.000-08:00

Things Mario says that are JUST WRONG(!) and their translations.

"I went to Gabe ... " (i.e. "I went to Gabe that he shouldn't push Andre away cuz he'll be sorry later!" or "I went to Brad about taking a day off."

Translation: "I said to Gabe..." or "I talked to Brad..."

"Ugh! I'm sick from my stomach!"

Translation: "Ugh! I'm sick to my stomach." (Though technically her way is probably more accurate.)

"Just to let you know..." (i.e. "Just to let you know, I'm a bitch.")

Translation: "Just so you know..."

This week I grew some balls and told Mario that she needed to pay attention to what she was writing. Of course I grew tiny ones so I actually just printed an e-mail she'd sent to someone and wrote "please pay attention to what you're writing" on it and laid it on her desk while she was at lunch.

When she came back she made me explain it to her. She's still convinced that she did it right and asked me to review it again. I tried to get her to understand that "the right words are there but they're in the wrong order." (Basically, she made a customer think we were sending the shirts they wanted when they were restocked but actually she was trying to convey that they needed to e-mail about what shirts they wanted.)

Last Friday Mario was a complete whore-bitch. People totally had my back when I told them about it later (of course it was so horribly bitchy that I've blocked it from my memory now). I decided then that I should call her Cunt-Whore because 1) It was appropriately mean enough for the cunt-whore she is!; 2) It makes me giggle.

SO - Henceforth - she shall be known as C.W. when she's a Cunt-Whore and simply Mario when she's not so bad.

grrrrrrrrrrr

2005-03-18T11:35:00.000-08:00

ihateherihateherihateherihateherihateherihateherihateherihateherihateherihateherihateher

CQoftheD

2005-03-04T13:33:00.000-08:00

It's been a bit so here ya go:

Q: How did you hear about us?

A: Ears

Gift Message:

It broke,

Thing 1 and Thing 2,

Now, they're new

AND finally - a customer surfed in and bought a Wonder Woman action figure after searching for "white prom dress".

Whoah!

2005-03-04T13:09:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I'm slow and don't think about those words and phrases that have meanings unto themselves but which stem from separate words that have meanings unto themselves. Then I have moments of enlightment at which friends laugh and my mother calls a "blonde moment."

Examples:

1) tortilla chips... I suddenly realized one day that they were made of tortillas! Shocker!
2) "Vasquez Rocks Park 2" on a sign ... I thought it meant the 2nd park... it meant "2 miles"

So in this vein... today I realized that I was a "copywriter". I just thought I wrote the copy.

Just...

2005-02-28T15:20:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to add that I wrote that previous post (and this one) while waiting for this IRCer to "find their credit card."

The IRC operator and I both know this is a waste of time....

IRC

2005-02-28T15:09:00.000-08:00

IRC in my world is the "Internet Relay Call" which is intended for deaf and hard of hearing customers. However, Internet Relay Call is also great for throaty-voiced, Nigerian accented old dudes that want to call me up and place an order under the name of Susan Smith.

Let's just not bother wasting my time people... I am the Fraud Slayer after all! The IRC call takes like 30-40 minutes only for you to try and order a quantity of Star Wars sports jerseys and then for me to burst your bubble by telling you I only have one and that you ain't getting them anyway.

I think our sports jerseys in 2x size attract the fraud-scalper-types. A friend of mine worked at a store where they discontinued selling the 40 oz beers because the because the neighborhood started gathering a bad "element." We should probably do the same to get rid of our "elementals."

Perrfect

2005-02-24T13:01:00.000-08:00

Brad just came back from ToyFair and handed me a perfectly appropriate freebie sticker of Happy Bunny which reads:

Returns Make Me Throw Up A Little

ReinVENTion

2005-02-23T07:44:00.000-08:00

I should rename this blog "Kill Mario"

I have to vent everything here since I'm holding it all in at work.... we're waiting for that big explosion.

So I've come to realize that EVERYDAY she has something new to tell me to do. Frankly I think she's just pulling some of this shit out of her ass because the stuff she tells me is NOT MY JOB!

From day 1 its been her job to turn the phones off and lock the doors. Today I come in after having - FOR ONCE - left on time yesterday and Mario says: "Can you help me check the phones and lock the doors at the end of the day?"

I said, "Sure." But then thought, "Why the hell? That's her job - always has been." So I added, "Just remind me!" to make it clear that she'd asked me to do something that was unfamiliar because it wasn't my job.

Her response? "Write yourself a note."

Then she added, "Because I don't just sit here doing nothing and I didn't know you'd left yesterday."

Oh I'm sure it was a big shocker... everybody had clocked out and the lights were off!

Dumb bitch.

(And no - there is no sexual tension here!)

Ah hah!

2005-02-21T11:37:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to make this point - today Mario is out so I have to do the whole order proof-charge-cancel process by myself AND there were a couple of 2010 expiration date orders in the batch. AND they did NOT decline!!

Heavy sigh...

2005-02-21T11:23:00.000-08:00

This is why Mario should not be in charge of answering e-mails from customers:

Quote:

"We apologize in the delay to responding to you but we filling a tracer on your
package. We could not find any information on your order. The only
thing can you verify the shipping address to your order? We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience we have caused your order but please let us know if the shipping address was correct so we can finish investigating the destination of your package. Thanks for your patience we apologize for the inconveneince. We Customer Service"

Filling a tracer? Investigating the destination of his package?? Beyond the fact that this makes no sense ... this was an international shipment and we can't file a trace. All there was to tell the dude was "be patient."

Huntress

2005-02-16T13:37:00.000-08:00

They call me the Fraud Slayer because I've been known to track and kill fraudulent orders and fraudulent customers before they can inflict any damage. Most frauds lived in the land of Electronic Checks. We have since banished the ECheck customers from our site!

Its really no fun when you order $3,000 worth of ONE item and don't even bother to enter a real address. What is the point of that?

Ahhgeez

2005-02-16T13:27:00.000-08:00

Last week Mario and I got in a little snippy argument which I will now re-enact:

(Background Info: Our system does not recognize credit card expiration dates past 2010. Back in my early days here Mario would hand me a credit card that did not process and say "Please e-mail the customer about this expiration date" and I would. I figured she did this because she A) was processing and couldn't and/or B) didn't know how to phrase it in good English. I eventually asked Brad to compose a standard "Your expiration date is stupid" e-mail which he did. After this Mario continued to hand me these orders and I thought "maybe she doesn't read her memos and doesn't know this e-mail exists now" so I brought it up one day. Mario snippily replied "Well I just thought you could help me out. But if you don't think you can help me than that is fine! I just figured since I used to do your job and I could spot them then you could too. But I'll just do it!" To which I replied somewhere along the lines of "Its a credit card issue. How am I supposed to know it doesn't work until you charge?" So long story short... after this I started highlighting the credit card expiration dates above 2010 before I gave them to her.)

OK... now reenactment (Keep in mind I was on the phone during this argument):

Mario: Did you stop sending the customers the expiration date e-mail?
Me: I haven't had any.
Mario: But you highlighted this one.
Me: That one didn't say expired.
Mario: The system doesn't recognize anything above 2010.
Me: In my experience, if the credit card expiration date is too far in the future then it shows in the system as expired. That one didn't say expired so I moved it forward to you.
Mario: Well experience isn't always the best judgment! The system doesn't recognize anything from 2010 and up!
Me: Well since it doesn't say that its expired I don't know that it doesn't work until you charge it.
Mario: Well they all come up as declined!
Me: Well this is the first time you've said anything! How was I supposed to know??

At that point we stopped talking and said nothing to each other for the rest of the day. Mind you - we'd already been minimimally speaking for the whole week.

That night I decided to be the better person and so when I came in the next day I said, "Mario, what, again, are the expiration dates that I should send the Expiration Date e-mail to?"

To which Mario replied sweetly, "Oh don't worry about it. I'll just take care of them."

Did she give up being a bitch for Lent?

musiiiiiick

2005-02-11T15:38:00.000-08:00

Mario just said... "I can't figure out how to get to any other kinds of music! This pop shit is driving me nuts!"

Continued...

2005-02-11T15:32:00.000-08:00

Larry: Thanks for taking the asian out of those also!
Me: I left some of the asian in per the last e-mail.

Snippet...

2005-02-11T15:10:00.000-08:00

Snippet of conversation (edited down for humor)

Larry: Can you do the angry asian girls?

Me: Sure

Why?

2005-02-09T13:58:00.000-08:00

People who order 2nd Day Air shipment of an air freshener boggle my mind.

Air Freshener - 2 bucks
Shipping - 15 bucks
Look on my face when you're dumb... priceless.

Soundtrack

2005-02-09T13:45:00.000-08:00

At work we listen to Launch's radio stream all day... at first it seemed excellent - quality streaming music with no DJ's. Unfortunately, it too has a format which it seems to get stuck on for at least a month... so I hear the same things OVER and OVER and OVER again day after day and several times a day.

Mario (who has been the designated DJ for the past couple of months since my speakers are unplugged so that I may use the plug for my personal heater... its cold in the warehouse) constantly has it on "Top Hits" or some crap. Whenever it fails (which is usually once a day) or during my lunch she'll switch to (what I assume is) Spanish language Top Hits. This used to be novel but now its just annoying. When we used to alternate DJdom we'd ask each other what we wanted to hear and the music would alternate between top hits, alternative hits, broadway musicals, love songs, oldies ... etc.

Now its just Top Hits...over and over and over and over...

This is my rendition of what runs through my head through the off hours now...

"dah dah party started off riiiight dah dah come through the siiiide...Fitty cent says...jumpdah dah let's bounce tonighti don't want to leave without saying goodbyyyyeeyou make me want to la la... drink the milk up off the floor OH! I can't wait to get next to you..only you can make me feel...I need a SOLDIER..you better be street if you're looking at me..if yo status ain't hood..I know you like to think yo shit don't stank but move a lil' closer (side note- Mario has informed me that the employee who had my job before me used to sing this whenever Mario pissed her off) Let me hold you girl caress my body.. you got me going crazy...kiss and caress you..we started out...dah dah dah since you've been gone...now sexy lady ya wanna flex with us...jammapinowanoflame...lets get it on lets get on...these chicks don't even know the name of my band but they're all on me like they wanna hold hands ....I know I can (I know I can) Be what I want to be (be whatIwannabe)... ghetto children do your thingyou're looking for the cookie and the...shookie...just get in the car??I grew up in a small town and when the rain would fall down...These are my confessions...Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock La la la la la la...take a chance you stupid ho... damn you've got some wicked style....she is all i see... come and rest your bones with me...ahh yaya ahh yaya ... etc."

PoftheD

2005-02-07T15:39:00.000-08:00

Pattern of the Day?

Today a slew of folk tried to order in ways they couldn't... money orders, two country credit card processing, places we don't ship to, etc. It was odd...and many of them were in a row.

CQsoftheD

2005-02-01T08:17:00.000-08:00

All-Around-Tie

Customer 1
Q: How Did You Hear About Us?
A: Interwebular Site Hunter

Customer 2
Gift Message:
Kathy Smells. Travis has sex with men.

Customer 3
A customer clicked in to our site after searching for "Elephant Jewelry" (and bought a Speed Racer car).

Rating

2005-01-31T09:50:00.000-08:00

CQoftheD

2005-01-31T08:46:00.000-08:00

Gift Message:
"Don't be afraid if you smell something weird coming from this package."

(The customers stopped being funny for a while there... someone clicked in last week after searching for a "Glock 9mm" but I couldn't decide if that was funny... more like... "weird that we came up when you searched for that.")

Like a hobbit...

2005-01-26T13:51:00.000-08:00

So I have, what I lovingly like to call, a "Second Lunch." You see First Lunch is when I actually clock-out, don't get paid and eat. Second Lunch is when Mario goes to lunch and I'm alone in the office and free to goof off, surf the Internet and get paid.

It really bugs me when customers call me during Second Lunch.

New News

2005-01-25T15:48:00.000-08:00

So as it turns out... Larry is actually not "Art & Copy" girl... she's actually just "Art & Misc. webmastering" girl. Brad is really the guy that writes the copy and he's decided to give me an opportunity at the menial creativity! This means I'll get the occasional chance to write the item descriptions!

Today was my first test as he gave me his guidelines and then said "go ahead." I thought I should do some drafts and submit for his approval but he just wanted me to go at it on the site! Then he left. For some reason this TERRIFIED ME!!! This really shouldn't be scary as I write descriptively rather well... but I dunno! I got all jittery and nervous and then panicked. I don't know anything about these products!!!

I opted for safety and wrote three descriptions for some disney patches. I know Disney!

But what am I gonna do about Family Guy and Speed Racer and Teen Titans.... I know OF them... I don't know ABOUT them. Give me the Edward Scissorhands stuff and I'll be fine... but what the hell is KAWS and his graffitti art??

Exampe Girl

2005-01-25T11:34:00.000-08:00

Here's one of those reasons why you shouldn't return stuff just because you changed your mind:

A chick orders a bunch of Wonder Woman stuff from Alaska... her subtotal is 48.00 but her shipping is expensive ($26.) because she's ordered a bunch of large items and we can't ship UPS to Alaska so she had to pay U.S. mail prices. Her total was $74.50.

So.. she had a fight with whomever or whatever and decided "I'm not going to give this person these gifts anymore!" and returned the items to us. She paid another $14 for return shipping with her little note "Decided Not To Give As Gift" (I added the "").

So we refund her for the items... 48.00. So in the end she paid $40.00 to be huffy.

I'm sure there's a person dying for Wonder Woman stuff in Alaska..... EBAY lady!

Of course... she could've been dumped... and that's sad. Or worse! But we won't go there...

....

Now I'm depressed on mysterious (allegedly huffy) lady's behalf.

Oh Sshhmack!

2005-01-21T13:44:00.000-08:00

I just found out that Norwegian guy's address was correct... and Mario wasn't going to tell me that she'd gotten that e-mail! Ha ha! (Of course I still hadn't checked in the first place but that is beside the point.)

Mario is currently at lunch... which is why I'm having diarrhea of the blog...

... I wish Mario had diarrhea...

And then there was Larry

2005-01-21T13:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I sent Larry a list of stickers that were in stock but were not on the website. Today she sent me an e-mail that said, "Did you check to see if these were in stock?"

Umm...yeah...that's why I said "these are in stock but not on the site."

Mario must've been talking smack! Maybe I'll slip her some laxative.

B...U...S....S?

2005-01-21T13:32:00.000-08:00

I was fed up with Mario and eager to have lunch with the "guys" in the lunch room. Danny was napping on the couch which left me with Rollo and Thomas. They were apparently having their usual heated discussion but since I don't know sign... I just always think they're talking about me.

Thomas makes about as much effort as I do at communicating with me so we usually just use the smile and nod approach to our day.

Rollo, on the other hand, likes to talk. There was a news story on today (we watch the news mostly because it has the rolling tagline for the guys to read because the TV doesn't have closed captioning) about terrorist threats in Boston. Rollo was trying to tell me something about it.... he was making exploding hand gestures... then he finally spelled out B...U...S....S... I was utterly lost so he did it again... B....U....S....S... at which point I realized it was H not S... it was BUSH. Rollo hates Bush!!! He then shook his head and said some other things which I took to mean "Stupid president. This wouldn't be happening if it wasn't for him!"

He's a cool deaf guy.

Anal Retentive

2005-01-21T13:13:00.000-08:00

So I finally snapped at Mario today... didn't know it was going to happen until it flew out of my mouth but it did! Now we sit in silence and I don't know if its because of that or what.

A customer's order got lost in shipping (as it occasionally does with International shipments) and it had been over a month so it was time to re-send his package. I set up the new shipment to go to the Pick List (the list which gets handed to the warehouse guys so they know what inventory to pick off the shelf) and to invoice at which point it falls into Mario's hands. (Its her job to print the lists, packing slips and pick tickets (which is a list of what goes in each box.)

So when Mario reaches this Norwegian guy's order she stops it, looks at me and says "Did you verify this guys address?"

This pisses me off for 2 reasons:

A) Why the hell do you need to even ask me stupid questions like that? Do you think I can't do my job?? Do you think you have to friggin' babysit everything I do? You screw shit up all the time but I'm too nice of a person to say anything to you ... I just fix it and move on. I don't start asking you if you've done it right each time!!

B) I forgot to verify the guy's address.

So I respond, nicely and with my normal dose of humility (I don't know why I dose it up with humility... its apparently making Mario think she can boss me), "Oh, no. I didn't." To which she responds, "So we're just gonna send this to the same address again without knowing if its correct??"

At which point I snapped and retorted, "Then put it on hold Mario!" (with heavy underlying "You stupid dumbass bitch" tone).

I then had to follow it up with some sort of 'I'm not really being serious' attempt so I said, with a faux giggle, "Don't be silly!"

I think Mario is constipated again. She gets moody when she's constipated. She'll be moody for a few days and then tell me on the fourth day about how she hasn't pooped in a few days. Very early in our co-worker relationship she asked me to "Feel how stiff my stomach is!" That was really crossing a line... I refused to touch her hardened intestines.

Lunch

2005-01-20T15:44:00.000-08:00

Do you ever get that sudden ATTACK hunger that seems to come from nowhere? Suddenly you're STARVING and it feels as though your stomach is almost gasping for nutrition. It convulses in and out as if attempting to digest air. If it were a person it would be one of those sad characters - thin and malnourished - crawling over a sand dune....

This is the type of hunger I had 2 minutes prior to my lunch time when Larry came in, clocked out, and said "I'm going to take my lunch now since Mario is out," leaving me there shocked and unable to eat until 40 minutes later when she clocked back in.

That's bad...

2005-01-20T15:43:00.000-08:00

Today I processed an order for someone whose name looked reeeeeaaaallllly familiar!! Then I realized her name was the same as a T-Shirt style: Heather Gray

That's sad.

CQoftheD

2005-01-10T15:39:00.000-08:00

A two-parter!

Q: How did you hear about us?
A: I heared it from my boyfriend.

Gift Message (same customer)

The flames of the the thundercats will all ways be with you, becase you are; so hot.

This Old House

2005-01-04T13:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I found out that Larry was 30 years old! This was a shocker... considering she dresses like she's maybe 26-28 and sits and listens to "House" all day I'd pegged her as my age.

What is it about House music? This a BROAD generalization (ha! punny!) but of the two women I've met who've liked House I'd guess that House women are kinda mannish.

Now I don't know what it is about Larry - she's either in the closet, in denial or ... just into House music.

Lost in translation...Part 1

2005-01-04T11:19:00.000-08:00

I'm constantly having to translate Mario-bad-english-isms into a workable set of verbs, nouns, etc.

For example - when Mario says "I don't know if you want to start highlighting" it actually means "You should start highlighting." (Which is additionally annoying because she's suggesting that I should be doing something other than what I am doing...and again... SHE'S NOT THE BOSS OF ME!)

One day it will go like this:

Mario: I don't know if you want to start filing.
Me: No, I don't want to. Now you know.

Switcharoo

2004-12-30T13:36:00.000-08:00

I've decided that, in actuality, its not me that's intimidated by Larry but the OTHER WAY AROUND.

She's practically running away every time we're in the same place together. Its not that she hates me... its that I scare the crap out of her.

Regardless of whether or not this is true... I enjoy this sense of power.

Suggestions for online ordering

2004-12-30T11:42:00.000-08:00

1) Order on a Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday for fast shipping. This way we'll process your order on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday (respectively) and ship on the same day.

If you order on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday we will process all of those orders on Monday and since there are so many orders... there might be some back-up.

If you order on a Thursday, your order will process and ship on Friday but then there is weekend delivery schedules that will back up your package.

2) Really re-think a return. If you're returning something because you didn't like it or it was the wrong size and you don't want an exchange... you're going to be paying for your original shipping AND your return shipping. We shipped it... therefore we don't refund you for that. Sometimes people pay more in the shipping and return shipping then the money they are getting back for the item. Save some time and effort (and money) and give it to someone else who'll like it.

Or there is always eBay - someone else will pay you for your shipping.

You poor people who have to return the gifts that recipients didn't like or didn't fit... you're paying for the shipping and getting no gift in return! :(

Woops

2004-12-16T13:40:00.000-08:00

Elph broke the fingers in her hand while playing basketball last night... this will severely impede her typing!

Pattern of the Day!

2004-12-13T16:50:00.000-08:00

Today a whole mess of people gave us their middle initials.... normally we have MAYBE one.

EQoftheD New

2004-12-10T13:48:00.000-08:00

This happened later in the day and it was better than the previous EQoftheD!

Elph: This lady is a big Finding Nemo fan and she wants to know if there is another word for car seat covers because she says she keeps typing it into the search engine and porn comes up.

Me: What is she typing? Fishy seats?

EQoftheD

2004-12-10T10:28:00.000-08:00

Joe (to the high school kids working in the warehouse):

"Did you come from retarded school?"

CQoftheD

2004-12-10T08:46:00.000-08:00

A customer clicked in after searching for "eyelash yarn."

EQoftheD 3

2004-12-07T22:49:00.000-08:00

Mario (two months ago): "I can't say that "TH" sound!"

Mario (yesterday): "Its cold! My coat is too tin!"

EQoftheD 2

2004-12-07T22:48:00.000-08:00

A quote from today:

Nile (one of the high school girls) to a customer: "So you don't want the Puss?"

EQoftheDay

2004-12-07T22:39:00.000-08:00

A new segment - Employee Quote of the Day

This happened last week:

Elph: Where's Brad?
Me: Up your butt.

Mostly it was the actual use of the retro comeback "Up Your Butt and Around The Corner" that caused the entertainment. I now predict that Elph will wittily retort that to one of her high school cohorts and the phrase will be revived! And it all started with me!

CQoftheD

2004-12-07T10:47:00.000-08:00

Q: How did you hear about us?
A: I imagined you.

Famous...AGAIN

2004-12-02T10:45:00.000-08:00

Today we were mentioned on CNN.com as a retail site for tacky Xmas decorations. Of course Brad chose to (or "allowed") mention of an item that we only had like three of. So of course we sold out immediately. :(

This is why I ask for communication!! (I'm sure Larry feels the same... but I don't really care how Larry feels.)

CQoftheD

2004-12-02T09:08:00.000-08:00

Q: How did you hear about us?
A: Shopped here before....that dog!

CQoftheD

2004-11-30T10:09:00.000-08:00

Gift Message:

YOU MAKE BEING GAY WORTH IT!

The fabulous tales of Andre

2004-11-29T16:17:00.000-08:00

I know Mario and I are on good footing again because I believe I've heard 25 stories about Andre and Gabe since Saturday.

Today I called another website and listened intently to their background noise and how somebody "printed something twice so we accidentally sent you two shipments." That was fun...they have a fabulous looking site but are probably just two or three people on the order end too.

I remember being surprised when I started here... "you mean people actually look at all the orders?" Let that be a lesson to you - yes - we look at ALL the orders. So when you do something rediculous like use a fake gift certificate to buy 100 of the same $100 statues - its not just a computer looking at your order. Would you sell 100 statues to someone with a gift certificate value of $2.? Yeah - we're the fraud squad and we KNOW that Nigeria is not in Florida and Indonesia is not in Australia!

(And we also know when you're sending kinky after-nookie presents with suggestive gift messages.) (That hasn't happened yet.. but I'd know if it did!)

CQoftheD

2004-11-29T16:07:00.000-08:00

Two cool search terms and one great irony!

A) A customer found us after searching for "Princess Anne hair loss"

B) Another customer came in after searching for "used chafing dish"

C) A third customer ordered an "Evil Inside" t-shirt and, ironically, his order number ended in 666.

CQoftheD

2004-11-27T08:32:00.000-08:00

A customer came in after searching on Yahoo for "dodge carpet kits for bed."

On another note:

PEOPLE!! You need to learn to browse!!! We have an ad in Time magazine in the current issue (in the "Web Buying Guide" section) and in it we advertise two products (or "Time reccomends these two products...or whatever"). Now we've had about 200 orders from that ad ... and at least half of them come in, buy the advertised item and check out. Why? We have lots of other fun things. Browsing, in fact, might save you money - you can do a bunch of shopping in one place and then only pay one shipping charge.

New Coke

2004-11-27T08:22:00.000-08:00

Today Mario and I are the only ones in the office working our holiday overtime and we've spent part of the morning discussing Coca-Cola and the many variations thereof - I think our relationship is on the road to recovery.

Larry's still a bitch though....though sometimes she smiles.

Sprouts of loathing

2004-11-26T11:15:00.000-08:00

Mario has been evil this week... using the opportunties of absentee bosses and little office elfs that treat her like a cool boss and speak only Spanish to her... to talk down to me and add new tasks to my order proofing. Here's the thing though - she's not my boss. She's not a supervisor. She was offered a supervisor position and she turned it down. Until this month I've been deferring to experience because she's been here a few months longer than me but I'm pretty confident now. I gave her an inch by "deferring to her experience" a couple of times with the new girls present but now every time I tell them to do something a certain way - she'll tell them that's wrong. Actually she doesn't know what's wrong or right - she only knows the way that she's been doing it - which is the way she's done it "so she won't get in trouble if she does it wrong" or so she "won't have to worry about it later." She actually has no concern for the customers - just concern about what she can cancel or not do without the bosses' noticing. That's my observation anyway.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt on Monday since she'd missed half the day due to paying a ticket. I gave her the benefit of the doubt on Tuesday since her son had been sick all night. She loosened up a bit on Wednesday but she's still been bitchy to me and we're currently "not speaking" (in an unstated agreement).

And to think.... when we first started becoming friendly I thought, "How is it that people can end up hating their co-workers? I can't imagine hating Mario." Hatred is currently building within me.....

CQoftheD

2004-11-24T10:16:00.000-08:00

Q: How did you hear about us?

A: Google! All hail Google!

Anew

2004-11-23T11:59:00.000-08:00

I figured I needed to sift out the retail experience gems from the other random thoughts and bitchings... thus creating a "pure space." So this is it.

CQoftheD

2004-11-22T10:38:00.000-08:00

(From a Phone Conversation)

Her: I received two rolls of toilet paper but I only wanted one. How do I return the one I didn't want?

Me: So we accidentally shipped you two?

Her: No, I called to cancel it.

Me: I show two orders for you.

Her: No I cancelled it.

Me: I show one that was shipped and then refunded. The second was a phone order though so you called this order in.

Her: Yes but I didn't want it.

Me: So you got two rolls of toilet paper but you you didn't mean to order either?

Her: No.

Me: But you called this order in.

Her: Yes, but I was calling to cancel it.

Me: Well, I guess you can just keep the second roll of toilet paper.

Lost in Translation

2004-11-17T09:23:00.000-08:00

Danny, a big, burley hispanic guy with a small version of a ZZ Top beard, and I have an interesting relationship. He comes in, looks at me and says something in Spanish. I then stare at him blankly for a few seconds and then shout "I DO NOT SPEAK YOUR LANGUAGE!"

Patterns

2004-11-11T11:53:00.000-08:00

Patterns Patterns Patterns!!! As Christmas approaches, more orders come in and MORE PATTERNS are visible!!! Today a person in Texas and a person in New York ORDERED THE EXACT SAME FOUR ITEMS! I should connect them since it is apparent that they are soul mates.

CQoftheDay

2004-10-29T11:49:00.000-07:00

Q: How did you hear about us?

A: Filthy Gossip

and then....

Someone came into our shop and bought some magnets after searching for "SATIN SHEETS"... another was looking for "Candy Tubes." ???

CQoftheDay

2004-10-11T11:48:00.000-07:00

The customer quote from Friday was:

Q: How did you hear about us?

A: Therapy

Nope We Have No Bananas

2004-10-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

Looks like the popular costume this year is going to be the Teen Titans.... or maybe not since no one can find them anywhere. Most of my week consisted of "Hello how can I help you? .... No....Not yet....No we don't know if they'll come in time for Halloween....No they may not come at all....are you on our Notification list?.....OK good luck!" It later evolved into "Hello...NO...goodbye."

And I also made a new friend...an older guy who called to chat for an hour or so about how much he and Sailor Mercury were alike. ("She likes astronomy...I'm an astronomy teacher....") He bought a Teen Titans Starfire doll. He likes his animated women!

CQoftheDay

2004-09-30T11:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the best customer quotes are inadvertent...

We have the "How did you hear about us?" box but sometimes our system also shows us what you were searching for on the search engine when you clicked into our site. I always think its funny when you've been searching for "tacos" and suddenly you're purchasing a Happy Bunny lanyard.

Today a customer clicked in after searching for:

I did not have sexual relations, Clinton, sound bites

(he bought a Simpsons shirt)

and another clicked in after searching for:

KNITTING PATTERNS FOR PONCHO

(she bought some "Chicks Rule" merchandise)

Synchronicity

2004-09-30T11:41:00.000-07:00

I believe in the patterns of Chaos. Synchronicity shows up EVERYDAY at work. I work with orders from different people in different parts of the world and these patterns continue to emerge. If I were a genius-type I'd consider making a chart and graphing it. For example... we'll go several weeks with no problems with UPS 2-Day and 3-Day shipments and then on one day we'll have several UP2/UP3 orders from different people/different parts of the nation where they've ordered Back Ordered items and I have to call them all. Today two people ordered...one in the U.S. and one in Ireland and they both live in "North" something or other and they both listed their city as "N." whatever. Yeah its common - but two out of 80 orders on one day when it hasn't happened before? A couple of weeks ago three people listed their phone number as (000) 000-0000 on one day. Its weird!

Now the point of this is.... whole bunch of hurricanes in Florida, whole bunch of earthquakes in California and Mt. St. Helen's about to blow - that's a pattern!

Yesterday I asked the boss "Do we have any earthquake supplies here?" Nope! "But the shelves are bolted! Stuff will fall off but the shelves won't fall down." Then thirty minutes later the warehouse guys moved around some unbolted shelves..... I'm so doomed.

Tails

2004-09-27T12:32:00.000-07:00

I have a "second boss" or a "weekend boss"...whichever you prefer. This other boss has a parrot which, over the weekend, bit me on the ankle!

So I just told Mario at work about my parrot bite...this led to her revealing that her monkey escaped and bit three people and was featured on the Spanish station's "Real TV" television show as the "Mad Monkey."

My story is now null.

CQoftheDay

2004-09-27T11:28:00.000-07:00

A tie today:

Gift Message: "I am dumb but sometimes I do sweet things..."
(sending a "Boys are Stupid" shirt)

Gift Message:

"Now you can give that stupid Green Lantern speech and not feel like a loser, well not as much."

(sending a Green Lantern logo shirt)

I may rock

2004-09-17T11:28:00.000-07:00

As a testament to how great I am - yesterday the warehouse captain decided to hold "Free T-Shirt" day. I say that it means I'm great because he came in to tell us that he'd been holding off doing this because the girl who had my job last rubbed him the wrong way - he didn't want to give her any freebies.

The t-shirts were actually shirts that had some sort of unsellable defect. We got in line by seniority (I was second to last) and we each picked a shirt and then went through again and again until all the shirts were gone.

So today I am proudly wearing my hem-defective Tomb Raider shirt! Which, by the way, is a Medium - so I'm also feeling skinny! (My dad is now the proud-owner of red Justice League t-shirt with a puncture hole. Mom's sending an "Underdog" shirt to a friend getting out of surgery. I've got a seam-error Rocky Horror shirt just for me and a couple of others for a couple of others.

CQoftheDay

2004-09-15T11:26:00.000-07:00

Q: How did you hear about us?

A: A blind, deaf hobo on a train.

Amazons

2004-09-14T11:11:00.000-07:00

Everyday I am encouraged by the "Everybody Poops" sticker in our work bathrooms.

Today I'm going to manifest a gift from an unexpected place. I'll check in if it happens. (I mean "when.")

Larry got her office moved so I no longer have to avoid looking stupid in Warehouse 2...but I will have to check out the new system in Warehouse 3 when everything is all set up.

I don't remember why I titled this "Amazons"

CQoftheDay

2004-09-10T23:10:00.000-07:00

So the customers were relatively humorless this week...maybe the holiday or the impending Sept. 11 anniversary made them quiet down.

The funniest thing was this:

Q: How did you hear about us?
A: Your mom

Apart from this... still no real breakthrough in conversation with Larry. She did again tell me I looked hot in my jacket...

Yesterday people kept coming up to me and saying:
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOUR EYE?

Mario actually said - "I'm not listening to you. I can't stop staring at your eye."

Geez - it was a little irritated. I had no idea it was so shocking. It's not like it was swollen and gross or anything. It was just red. Had it been both eyes you would have thought I'd been crying but nope... just a little scratch or something. Today it looks like some sort of superhero logo - greenish circle in the middle (being my pupil and stuff) with a thick red line going straight across the middle. It looked kind of like this (not really but its the closest I could find after scouring throug hundreds of "circle logo" results on Google Images).

Today I was finally inducted into the company and given my own company t-shirt! Yay!

Yeah right!

2004-09-03T11:08:00.000-07:00

1) CUSTOMERS - WHEN IT ASKS FOR "ADDRESS 1" AND "ADDRESS 2" ON AN ORDER FORM IT IS NOT ASKING YOU TO ENTER YOUR STREET ADDRESS TWICE.

2) For safety's sake I removed the link to the place I worked from this blog.

3) I had my first angry customer call today... I think she hung up satisfied and happy...but I was going to kill something. (Oh and she was the mother of somebody who'd already called but the son hadn't done an effective job at getting me to give him what he wanted. Truth is he would've gotten what he wanted anyway but I hadn't dealt with a "refund/exchange" yet and was just basically bullshitting through the call. That'll teach me!)

Let's just blame it all on UPS...that makes me happy.

4) So Landmark Education has this teaching that you get what you are a clearing for. In other words, if you expect people to treat you badly, people will treat you badly. So yesterday I got that my boss is a clearing for silence. He's deaf in one ear and he's just now hired his second deaf employee. I work in a friggin' warehouse office... there should be cussin' guys and hip hop (or something). Instead its quiet..... of course the two deaf guys could be cussing - I don't understand the hand gestures.

5) The girl who works with me in the office (we'll call her Mario) is originally from a South American country. She speaks English well but she does have a bit of an accent as does the warehouse "captain." So I can't communicate with the deaf guys and not the South Americans...this leaves Larry....

But anyway - Mario and I spend all day chatting but sometimes she just doesn't "get" what I'm saying. Sample conversation:

Erin: What do you think a 14 year old girl who watches Monty Python would like?

Mario: Obnoxious

... I stared at her in puzzlement.

CQoftheDay

2004-09-03T10:59:00.000-07:00
Gift message:

Thank you for saying nice things about me!
Now, death awaits you with sharp pointy teeth.

Now that's funny in and of itself but what's funnier is that this is being sent to a psychiatrist! (Oh and its a "bunny with sharp pointy teeth" plush doll from Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail.)

Larry

2004-09-02T11:57:00.000-07:00
So there's this girl at work, we'll call her Larry (because that's absurd), who I can't quite figure out. Once upon a time she did my job but now she's website photo and copy writing girl. She gets her own section of the warehouse for photographing so we only see her maybe four times a day when she's clocking in/out (yes I work with a timeclock). She also comes in to our office on occasion to directly speak to the girl who works next to me.

At first I thought - OK she hates me. But that's obviously irrational so I revamped it to 'OK she just needs to warm up to people like I do.'

So I think we're sorta feeling each other out.

The other day she came in and told us (while looking at the other girl) "You need to buy a lottery ticket." Then, in typical Erin fashion, I looked blankly at my computer screen and the other girl kinda snickered. So, feeling rejected, Larry left. I felt bad about this silence...but I've still been avoiding her.

She also kinda intimidates me in this 'cool but silent' way. I try not to go down aisles in the warehouse where she can see me for fear she'll see me not able to reach something and looking like an idiot.

But like I said... we're feeling each other out. The other day I asked her, "So did you buy that lottery ticket?" And she said she had but her friends had "laughed at her" just like we did. Ah hah! So she thought I laughed at her! I corrected her with, "Hey I would have done it if I had a dollar!" Then I told her I'd split a ticket with her (if she won I'd give her 50 cents).

This week she made contact with me by saying, "Aren't you hot in that?" referring to my sweater.

Progress!

Tuesday/Wednesday

2004-09-02T10:56:00.000-07:00
Customer Quote/Gift Message from Tuesday:

I like the little tacos. I like them good.

Customer Quote/Gift Message from Wednesday:

I will now sing the Doom song. Doom, doom, doom, doom, doooooom!

These both accompanied orders of Invader Zim dolls.

CQoftheDay

2004-08-31T10:51:00.000-07:00
Customer Quote of the Day:

Gift Message:

Thanks for being my little helper! - Satan

CQoftheDay

2004-08-30T10:53:00.000-07:00
I may have to change it to "Customer Quote of the Day" or something like that because there is a two-way tie today and it doesn't involve the gift message. This time it involves the "How Did You Hear About Us?" field in their order.

Winner 1:
Q: How did you hear about us?
A: Self Inquiry

Winner 2:
Q: How did you hear about us?
A: I don't care.

And the second place winner (the silver medalist) was this Gift Message:
"All I want is what I have coming to me, All I want is my fair share."

Sounds familiar....Legend of Billie Jean??

GMoftheD

2004-08-30T10:50:00.000-07:00
I may have to change it to "Customer Quote of the Day" or something like that because there is a two-way tie today and it doesn't involve the gift message. This time it involves the "How Did You Hear About Us?" field in their order.

Winner 1:Q: How did you hear about us?A: Self Inquiry

Winner 2:Q: How did you hear about us?A: I don't care.
And the second place winner (the silver medalist) was this Gift Message:"All I want is what I have coming to me, All I want is my fair share."
Sounds familiar....Legend of Billie Jean??

GMoftheD

2004-08-27T10:48:00.000-07:00
Gift Message of the Day:

(Bettie Page lunch box being sent to "Paul")

This is the purrrrrfect box um purse for you!

Which brings me to the question... is it OK for me to correct your grammar, punctuation and capitalization if I don't like it? I'm kinda picky like that.

GMoftheD

2004-08-26T13:38:00.000-07:00
GMoftheD (for the past week)
Since I just started this... I have a bit of a backlog.

Favorite Gift Message from Last Week:

Mom stop reading all the paper in my packages. This is not for you FYI.

Favorite Gift Message of the Day:

PIXIES RULE

"Thoughts From the Warehouse"

2004-08-18T13:29:00.000-07:00
....because you need somewhere to deposit the thoughts and bitchings from work. Since I started at my new job I've found that there are funny things I want to share...cuz we sell funny things...and people are funny.

Wretched Wretail Wrealities

JS-Blogger-Client: inserted post

Slow Burn

Woopsie

Last Post?

Arm Gestures

A-music-ing

Too much to tell!

Holdin' it in!

Posts in their Proper Places

strut YOUR fucking stuff!

CQsoftheD

Advise Needed

At last!

CQsoftheD

Mario-isms

grrrrrrrrrrr

CQoftheD

Whoah!

Just...

IRC

Perrfect

ReinVENTion

Ah hah!

Heavy sigh...

Huntress

Ahhgeez

musiiiiiick

Continued...

Snippet...

Why?

Soundtrack

PoftheD

CQsoftheD

Rating

CQoftheD

Like a hobbit...

New News

Exampe Girl

Oh Sshhmack!

And then there was Larry

B...U...S....S?

Anal Retentive

Lunch

That's bad...

CQoftheD

This Old House

Lost in translation...Part 1

Switcharoo

Suggestions for online ordering

Woops

Pattern of the Day!

EQoftheD *New*

EQoftheD

CQoftheD

EQoftheD 3

EQoftheD 2

EQoftheDay

CQoftheD

Famous...AGAIN

CQoftheD

CQoftheD

The fabulous tales of Andre

CQoftheD

CQoftheD

New Coke

Sprouts of loathing

CQoftheD

Anew

CQoftheD

Lost in Translation

Patterns

CQoftheDay

CQoftheDay

Nope We Have No Bananas

CQoftheDay

Synchronicity

Tails

CQoftheDay

I may rock

EQoftheD New